Real love is no accident

If forty three per cent of marriages end in divorce then it’s important to think things through carefully before going ahead with the wedding. But how can you be sure if you’ve found real love? According to radio love doctor, Emma Lloyd (Uma Thurman), by taking her online compatibility test and applying the practical advice from her latest book you could be saved from making a disastrous mistake. Her words of caution, however, end up breaking the heart of fun-loving fireman Patrick Sullivan (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) when his fiancée follows Dr Lloyd’s advice and dumps him. Discovering that Emma is, herself, soon to be married, Patrick seeks revenge by allowing a young hacker to adjust computer records to show that she already has a husband: Patrick. Attempting to sort out this setback, Emma finds herself having to choose between her dependable English fiancé, Richard (Colin Firth), and the unexpected attraction she feels for this ‘accidental husband’, with hilarious (but predictable) consequences.

The Accidental Husband is a very typical romantic comedy, drawing on the classic elements of farce and a quirky supporting cast to create an entertaining and heartwarming story with no danger of any nasty surprises. We can be certain from the start that the hero and heroine will meet, fall in love, and overcome adversity to achieve the fairytale ending that Dr Emma Lloyd is so adamant does not exist. It is a fun film, but in no way on the cutting edge of cinema or likely to make any top ten lists. So why is there such a large market for romantic comedies like The Accidental Husband? Why do so many people, admittedly most of them women, derive such enjoyment from what can be a very formulaic genre? It seems that a large number of people are searching for the same things that Emma Lloyd’s listeners want. We want to find true love and live happily ever after. However, our experiences in life tell us that this may well be no more than a fairytale. Like Emma, we may have decided to settle for the sensible options in life, because we know that our dreams will never become a reality. Watching romantic comedies allows us a vicarious experience of finding perfect happiness, with love triumphing over all the obstacles that life might put in its way. Deep down, we are not happy with compromising our dreams. We don’t want to take Emma’s advice and look for a responsible, equal, adult, loving partner. We want to feel a spark, even if it burns down the house. Watching films like The Accidental Husband allows us to fantasise about achieving our dreams, perhaps providing an escape route from a world where so many of our desires seems destined to remain unfulfilled.

Is there any way that we can experience the spontaneous and mutually fulfilling relationship that Emma manages to attain by the end of the film? Can we find true love with someone who is exciting, but also a wise choice? Emma’s clever soundbites and acronyms are exposed as not particularly helpful during the course of the film, and by the end she seems unwilling to give much advice beyond the suggestion that couples shouldn’t ‘sweat the small stuff’. This is probably a useful tip, getting uptight about every little thing people do that annoys you is clearly not going to aid your relationships. However, it doesn’t help us to find true love, or to judge whether someone is right for us. As Emma tells her listeners: ‘Until we know the difference between romantic love and real love, we’re just searching in vain for something that doesn’t exist.’ In his book, The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis distinguishes between four different types of love. The romantic love which is at the heart of The Accidental Husband and other films of its genre is called eros. This kind of love is characterised by passionate devotion to the beloved. It is obviously a wonderful feeling, and an emotion which can inspire people to do great things. It is celebrated in countless songs and is not only the heart of all romantic comedies, but is at least a subplot of almost all other films. However, the feeling of eros is not an enduring one. In fact, one of the reasons that so many marriages fail may be that the couple expect to feel the same emotions for each other as when they first fell in love throughout their married life. Love does not seem to work that way in reality. As C.S. Lewis makes clear, a relationship cannot survive on just eros, it also needs agape love, or charity. This kind of love, according to Lewis, is selfless and entirely committed to the well-being of the other person without thought of recompense. If a romantic relationship is to last, it will need plenty of agape love to complement the eros. Agape features strongly in the Bible, where it is used to describe the love God shows. The Bible also provides a helpful guide to identifying this kind of love. Real love, according to the Bible, shows itself not in a montage of happy moments as in many romantic comedies, but in commitment and ultimately in sacrifice.

We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. (1 John 3:16-18, NLT)

The Bible highlights Jesus as the perfect example of love. For Christians, it is Jesus’ example that informs their relationships and shows them what true love should look like. Rather than looking for a partner who scores highly on an online compatibility test or for whom you feel a ‘spark’, it might be more useful to look for someone who shows their love by their actions towards you. Ironically, in The Accidental Husband, the man Emma ends up rejecting is the one to demonstrate truly sacrificial love in putting her happiness before his own. Perhaps she may have missed out on her happy ending after all?

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