Damaris Publishing

Chapter 3

Saving Sex? Virginity and Abstinence

This sample chapter is taken from Saving Sex: Answers to Teenagers' Questions About Relationships and Sex by Dr Trevor Stammers and Tim Doak (Damaris Books, May 2006). You can buy this book from the Damaris Online Store or from your local Christian bookshop.

Few books giving sexual advice to teens will spend long on virginity. It is either seen as something unimportant or even if it may possibly be of value, it's quite impossible to maintain in our sex-saturated world.

Well perhaps not quite impossible. In the film American Pie (1999) Kevin, Finch, Chris and Oz are four teenagers who feel that their ‘very manhood is at stake', as long as they remain virgins. So they make a pact to have sex with a girl before they leave high school. On the night of the final high school prom, three of the lads succeed in losing their virginity (not all in the way they had planned) but Oz at least seems to be different and remains a virgin. He tells his girlfriend, Heather, of the pact but adds, ‘But with you it's not like I'm running towards the goal and looking for the best way to score. I care about you.' They spend the night in each other's arms but seemingly do no more. Perhaps real love does make a difference to how we behave sexually.

More recently, the American Pie theme has reappeared in The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005) in which Steve Carroll plays Andy Stitzer, the rather nerdish title role. Three of his male friends, appalled at his continuing virginity, attempt to rectify the situation, in the event, to no avail. Andy falls in love and his virginity is eventually lost on his wedding night with the woman he marries. Though Andy's portrayal as a nerd is unflattering, it is Andy's friends whose lives are complicated and strained by uncommitted sex with women. Andy's life by comparison is ultimately better and he ends up with true love, a wife and, as his friends put it, ‘getting some'.

Virginity is very important for Christians. Christ himself, though no sexual prude, never married and was a virgin, despite suggestions to the contrary of popular fiction such as The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown (2003, Bantam Press). Jesus also spoke of those who choose a lifelong state of virginity in order to give priority to serving God without distraction (Matthew 19:12). Sex can certainly still be a major distraction in that regard today and we should applaud and support rather than ridicule those who make a deliberate choice to avoid sexual involvement in their teens and twenties in order to devote their lives to Christian work which otherwise could not be done.

For those who eventually marry, the expectation of the New Testament is that they should be virgins when they do so (1 Corinthians 7:33–35). Though there is no scripture that specifically states ‘no sex outside of marriage' the Greek word pornea (translated sexual immorality or fornication) clearly includes sex outside of marriage in its meaning and is forbidden in many parts of the New Testament (1 Corinthians 6:18, Ephesians 5:3–4, Colossians 3:5–6, 1 Thessalonians 4:3–5, Hebrews 12:16, 1 Peter 4:3).

Why this seemingly restrictive teaching? The key reason is that sexual intercourse always has a spiritual component; even what we might consider to be the most casual of sexual encounters, e.g. that between a prostitute and her client, has this element. ‘Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh”' (1 Corinthians 6:16). Having sex with someone forms a spiritual bond between you that can never be undone. This is why sex for the first time is a crucial milestone in life. You can never be the same again. Sex is at its best in a loving, committed relationship and if first sex is to be the best sex, it is worth saving it until marriage.

Questions and Answers

1. What is a virgin?

A virgin is somebody who has not yet had sexual intercourse. In my view oral and anal intercourse, as well as vaginal, all involve the loss of virginity. ‘Virgin' is sometimes used as a word of abuse but in fact virginity is a precious gift to bring to any sexual relationship because it can only be given once. Loss of virginity in the early teens nearly always leads on to multiple sexual partners by the age of 20, so if you only intend to have one love for life, early sex is not a good way to achieve it.

2. If I have done other stuff but not actually had sex, am I still a virgin?

This is a big question for young people who are perhaps trying to work out for themselves what they feel is appropriate behaviour within dating relationships. A virgin is most commonly seen as a person who has not yet engaged in vaginal sexual intercourse. In a stricter sense, though, it is somebody who has not yet engaged in any sexual activities such as mutual masturbation (touching your partners genitals), oral or anal sex, or perhaps activities such as simulated sex with clothes still on. Some people feel that being involved in such activities doesn't mean that you have lost your virginity. I guess really this question is centred on the whole notion of ‘How far is too far?' and to answer it you really need to examine and think about the consequences of this sort of behaviour, whether it be full sex or some of the other mentioned activities which many would regard as ‘pre-sexual' activity.

Getting into pre-sexual stuff (further than kissing) can be dangerous, as it can quickly progress much further than planned. In the heat of the moment, it can be very hard to control your own and your partner's actions and sex can easily occur even if it wasn't planned.

It is important to remember that many STIs (sexually transmitted infections) can still be passed on without full penetration, as genital skin-to-skin contact is enough to transmit some infections. There is also a small possibility that pregnancy could occur, as sperm are present in pre-ejaculation fluid and if deposited around the vagina area they may enter the vagina and cause pregnancy.

As discussed, the term virgin can mean different things to different people, ranging from total avoidance of any sexual activity to everything but full sexual intercourse. I feel the more important issue is to think about the consequences of any form of sexual activity and to assess whether they are consequences you are ready to deal with. Do you want to pick up or pass on an STI? Do you want to deal with the birth (or abortion) of a son or daughter? Are you ready to deal with the emotional responsibility and potential emotional hurt that sexual activity inevitably has attached to it?

3. Why should I remain a virgin?

Remaining a virgin is a brilliant choice to make, especially for young people, both for your physical and your emotional well-being. As you make your way through your teens and into your twenties many exciting and beneficial opportunities and challenges will present themselves to you. Making the choice to be a virgin can enable you to face these free from the worry of having to deal with:

Pregnancy

You can get pregnant: without full penetration, since fertile mucus at the entrance to the vagina will allow sperm to swim up; without ejaculation, since sperm is present in pre-ejaculation fluid; no matter what method of contraception you use, since all of them have failure rates.

Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI)

You could catch an STI. There are over twenty types of STIs. Some such as chlamydia and gonorrhoea can cause infertility and ectopic pregnancy. Often they do not cause symptoms, so they can be damaging you without you knowing you have them. Infections such as genital warts (caused by the human papillomavirus or HPV) occur on the genitals and elsewhere on the skin of the thighs and pelvis, so can be caught by genital skin contact without penetration.

Emotional Hurt

You can get hurt when a close relationship ends. Imagine how much more hurt you would be if sex had been part of the relationship. Very often when sex enters into relationships involving young people, they are radically altered and may end. Why? Because the focus shifts from developing a mutual friendship to the purely physical, with more time spent concentrating on sex at the expense of getting to know each other better as friends. This frequently leads to breakdown rather than a strengthening of the relationship. It reduces respect, how you value yourself, the other person, and devalues sex itself.

Remaining a virgin is a very positive and healthy choice to make. Being a virgin shows that you respect and value yourself enough to save your virginity for someone who is worthy of it and who is worthy of you.

4. What does losing your virginity mean? What will happen to my body if I lose my virginity?

To lose your virginity means to have sexual intercourse for the first time. If you lose your virginity you can never become a virgin again and therefore it is something very special to give to another person who should respect you, love you and be 100 per cent committed to you for the long term.

In physical terms, girls may bleed a little after having vaginal intercourse for the first time, since a membrane of skin called the hymen (which is part of the vulva) is torn as a result of penetration. However, if tampons have been used previously, the hymen will have already been broken. For males there are no physical changes to the body after having sexual intercourse for the first time. The psychological effects and changes in subsequent behaviour can be marked for both girls and boys.

It is important to note that if someone has lost their virginity they don't have to make the same choice again when faced with a similar situation. They can decide not to have sex from this point on. Even within the same relationship you can decide not to have sex in the future, and this isn't having double standards or being unfair, it is you deciding to choose what is right and healthiest for you. If your partner can't accept this and is putting you under pressure then they aren't worthy of you and you may well be better off without them.

5. I feel left out because all of my friends have had sex and I am still a virgin. What should I do?

I think there are a few things you have to consider. Firstly, is it such a bad thing to feel left out because you have not had sex? I think it is great! Do you want to know why? You may feel left out because everyone else has had sex but it is important to realize that you are also left out from the risks of pregnancy, developing a sexually transmitted infection and from the emotional hurt often caused when sex enters a teenage relationship, especially if it ends as the vast majority do.

Secondly, are you sure all of your friends have had sex? Quite often people say they have had sex and make up great stories about what they get up to at the weekends, just to impress. It is a fact that the majority of young people under 16 have not had sex. So rather than feeling left out you should feel assured and encouraged that you are actually part of the majority who have decided to wait. Also, sex under the age of 16 is illegal in Great Britain; in Northern Ireland the legal age is 17.

It is great that you are still a virgin. Your virginity is a sign that you respect and value yourself enough to wait for someone who deserves you. Wouldn't it be awful if you decided to have sex just because you thought your friends were doing it and then you realized that actually they weren't.

What should you do? Continue to be a virgin and be happy that you have made the correct choice not to have sex because you realize all the benefits associated with this choice. Be proud of your virginity!

6. There's no way I can wait till I'm married to have sex. With all these hormones racing around my body, I'll explode if I don't do it soon. How do you expect young people these days to wait, when society all around is constantly bombarding us with images of sex and telling us to just get on with it and do it?

This is a very common question and it raises several very important issues.

Going through your teenage years is certainly made that bit more interesting by having to cope with racing hormones making you feel and think in all sorts of different and apparently uncontrollable ways. However, it is not the case that you will explode if you don't have sex. Unlike food and water, we can survive without having sex. Although it can be tough at times, taking certain steps can certainly help you to control your sexual urges. Being in control of what you think and talk about helps. Don't spend time reading magazines or watching TV programmes that dwell too much on the topic of sex. When you talk to your friends about these things, make sure you do so in a way that respects the opposite sex and sex itself.

Waiting till you're married to have sex and marrying someone who has waited for you, means that you will not have to worry about performance comparisons with past partners or catching STIs. You will be able to experiment and learn about sex together. It will be a new and exciting thing that will help to cement your wedding vows and to bring you closer together as a couple.

You have to evaluate what others say to you, including the media. Think about why the media uses sex – is it to sell you something? Think about the consequences of choosing a certain lifestyle promoted in the media. It is you, after all, who will have to face the consequences of your choices, and things don't always work out in real life as they do on TV.

Remember, hormones certainly make things tough but not impossible. Not to have sex as a teenager and to wait until you are married is certainly possible and indeed very beneficial. It is important to remember, too, that marriage is not a life of unlimited sex. There will be times when one or other of you is not able or willing to have sex on a specific occasion. No long-term commitment will flourish if you are unwilling to go without sex at times because you feel you must have it.

7. I'm in a relationship at the moment but I know that I'm not really in love. I want to wait and lose my virginity in a truly loving relationship but I'm worried I won't have one until I'm older. I certainly don't want to regret my first time. I don't want to be a virgin for too long, so should I perhaps settle for the person I'm going out with now?

I agree that it is best to lose your virginity in a truly loving relationship and I would encourage you to wait for that. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you slept with this person and the relationship ended? You would have lost your virginity to them and they would be out of your life forever. What's the rush? Good relationships take time but they are well worth waiting for. Hopefully, there will be someone you will truly love in the future. Would you want to keep yourself for them? A lot of people I have talked to hope that the person they end up sharing their life with will have kept themselves for their future partner also.

Sex isn't just a physical experience. You give part of yourself away in a sexual relationship. It is an emotional experience too. You want to avoid regretting your first time; perhaps if you have sex just to make sure you haven't missed out on something, you will have regrets. Remember you are also putting yourself at risk of picking up an STI or having to face up to an unplanned pregnancy. I'd definitely advise you to wait and hold out for that special long-term loving relationship, preferably marriage, that will enable you to fully enjoy sex, free from the worries associated when sex occurs within an uncommitted, shorter-term relationship.

At the end of the day, you will make your own choices and you will create the future through those choices.

8. I'm in a relationship at the moment and we both really love each other. We've talked about having sex and think it would be a good idea but how can we be really sure?

It sounds to me like you have a good relationship in which you can talk about this very important issue. I'm sure you feel a great deal for each other. If you have such a great relationship, do you really want to jeopardize it by having sex? Often when sex enters into teenage relationships, the relationship soon ends. I can't be absolutely sure why this is, but I know that when a couple in their early to mid-teens start to have sex, other more important aspects of their relationship, like friendship, are often forgotten, because they tend to focus too much just on the physical side.

I know your feelings are really strong and it's perfectly natural to want to have sex, but you have to decide whether it's going to be worth it and what you want for your life, not only now but in the future as well. Think of the possible consequences: you could get pregnant; you could pick up an STI; you could risk jeopardizing a great relationship. How will you feel emotionally if you split up and you've lost your virginity? These are all things you have to think through seriously before you make any decisions.

You may be or think that you are in love, but is that enough? The average person falls in love seven times in their life, though for some it is more like seven times a week! Imagine the consequences if you slept with everyone you fell in love with.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to spoil your fun because the choice is yours and I'm not trying to take that away from you. But I don't want you to have regrets in the future or put your health at risk. Be sure – there's a lot at stake.

9. Is it possible to make your future marriage partner think you are a virgin even if you have actually already had sex?

This is a very interesting question but I am not sure it is the one you should be asking. The most important thing you should be asking yourself is ‘How much of my marriage do I want to build on trust and respect rather than on deceit and lies?' Rather than being concerned with the cosmetics of concealing, you ought to give thought to how strong your relationship is if you cannot bear telling it like it is, or if you fear your present or future partner's reactions to the truth.

In purely physical terms, having sex for the first time for a female may result in a membrane of skin called the hymen being torn if she has never used tampons. For males there are no physical changes to the body after having sexual intercourse for the first time.

Hiding the truth does not sound a good foundation on which to build a life together, and if you can't share your fears with each other, I wonder whether you should be sharing wedding vows either? After all, if you hide your secrets, this person won't be marrying the real you but only a façade of what you want them to see.

Perhaps I have been quite blunt in my answer but I am very concerned for you both and want you to fully consider the potential consequences of being anything other than 100 per cent honest with your partner.

10. What is sexual abstinence?

Sexual abstinence is voluntarily refraining from sexual intercourse and from some other sexual activities. It is sometimes referred to as ‘saved sex' to distinguish it from so-called ‘safe sex'.

Abstinence in practice is defined in a variety of different ways. It can mean no sexual touching at all, some sexual touching, or everything except penetrative sexual intercourse.

This can be very confusing as you try to make choices for yourself regarding the decision to be abstinent or not. To help you, I have defined what I believe abstinence to be:

A person who is abstinent does not go any further than kissing while in a dating relationship. They do not get involved in any form of sexual foreplay which may include intimate stroking of their partner's body, touching of the genitals, mutual masturbation, oral sex, vaginal or anal sex.

By avoiding these activities, the exchange of body fluids (semen, vaginal secretions, or blood) is prevented. This means that pregnancy will not occur and sexually transmitted infections cannot be caught or passed on. It also avoids the emotional hurt that so frequently accompanies casual sex.

Abstinence is a reasonable and healthy strategy to adopt during certain periods of one's lifetime, e.g. during the emotionally and physically vulnerable teenage years, or it can be a goal to remain abstinent until in a lifelong committed relationship, i.e. marriage.

Here are some tips to help you to be abstinent:

To start with, you need to believe in yourself: believe that you can practise abstinence, always being careful to avoid temptation.
Then, it is important to communicate your decision to your boyfriend or girlfriend, so that you both know what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Remember you can express your love in non-physical ways such as buying small gifts, being thoughtful, talking and laughing together.
Finally, it is important to find support from family and friends, as the decision to practise abstinence can be tough, but it is certainly possible and, indeed, hugely beneficial.

There are many different factors that may play a role in the decision to practise abstinence, e.g. religion, caring parents/guardians, a sense of personal maturity, the desire to gain control over future destiny. Whatever the reason, I would encourage you to consider the many benefits to being abstinent, realize that it is possible and a choice that is wholly yours to make.